- What did the painter say to the wall?
I got you covered.
- How does the ocean say hello?
- Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school.
- Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
- How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie into it.
- What do elves learn at school?
- Why did the class clown take a computer to her teacher?
Her mom told her to bring an apple for her teacher.
- Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
- What did one penny say to another penny?
We make cents.
- What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
- Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she was the fairest in the land.
- How do you make a fire with two sticks?
Make sure one is a match.
- What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
- What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?
Moo Year’s Day.
- What did Delaware?
A New Jersey.
- What did the calculator say to the math student?
You can count on me.
- How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it’s full.
- What did the 0 say to the 8?
- Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
- How do they serve smart hamburgers?
On honor rolls.
- Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?
She was caught taking a break.
- What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
- Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
- What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy?
A Mars bar.
- What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?
- What happened when the monster ate the electric company?
He was in shock for a week.
- What’s the tallest building in the world?
A library, because it has so many stories.
- Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
- When is a baseball player like a spider?
When he catches a fly.
- Why was the football game so hot?
Because all of the fans left.
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
- What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
- Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
At forks in the road.
- What do you give a lemon in distress?
- Have you heard the joke about the butter?
I better not tell you…it might spread.
- What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
- What do postal workers do when they get mad?
Stamp their feet.
- Why did the cow go to outer space?
To see the Milky Way.
- What do you call a story about a broken pencil?
- Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because the players each raise a racquet.
- Why couldn’t the pony sing?
Because she was a little hoarse.
- What do cows do for entertainment?
Go to the moo-vies.
- What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
- Why did the melon jump into the lake?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon.
- Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse.
- What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
- Who earns a living by driving her customers away?
A taxi driver.
- What kind of music do the planets listen to?
- Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9.
- What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
- Why did the crab find a new home?
Because he had claws-trophobia.
- What does a Triceratops sit on?
- What is black when clean and white when dirty?
- What is the world’s longest punctuation mark?
The hundred-yard dash.
- Why was the boy sitting on his watch?
He wanted to be on time.
- What do frogs order when they go out to eat?
- What has three letters and starts with gas?
- What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
- Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
It was too tired.
- What did one wall say to another?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
- Where do pencils go on vacation?
- Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize.
- Why did the opera singer go sailing?
She wanted to hit the high Cs.
- Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he slept.
- What did the lightbulb say to its mother?
I love you watts and watts.
- What two things can’t you have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
- What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?
You’re the one bright spot in my life.
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
- What kind of potato chips fly?
- What do you call two banana peels?
- What’s the slipperiest country?
- What do lawyers wear in court?
- Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school.
- What did one egg say to the other?
You crack me up.
- Why wouldn’t the fly land on the computer?
Because it was afraid of the world wide web.
- What do planets like to read?
- What kind of underwear do reporters wear?
- What has a bed you can’t sleep in?
- What did the boat say to the pier?
What’s up, dock?
- What washes up on small beaches?
- What kind of dress can’t be worn?
- What do you call a young army?
- What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?
They’ve both got a lot of dough.
- What is a tree’s favorite drink?
- What do you call a T. rex wearing cowboy boots and a 10-gallon hat?
- What did the dog say to the flea?
Stop bugging me.
- Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?
- Why did the drum take a nap?
It was beat.
- Which runs faster: hot or cold water?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
- Why did the football player go to the bank?
To get his quarterback.
- What do you call a fake noodle?
- What did the calendar write in its will?
Its days were numbered.
- When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
- What runs around a yard without moving?
- How did Benjamin Franklin feel after discovering electricity?
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crumb-y.
- Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
He wanted to draw the curtains.
- Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
- Why did the thief take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
- What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?
No, thanks. I’m stuffed.
- In what school do you learn to greet people?