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Top 5 Things You DON’T Want To Hear On A Road Trip

 

 

Road trips always sound like such a simple thing.

I don’t know why.  They’re not.  They absolutely are not.

I’m always concerned about what we have forgotten to bring with us or to do before we left.  I know there’re many things on that list, but I cling to the hope that none are “turn back” worthy.

 

We’ve been road tripping it this week.  Nothing quite like quality time in the van with my pack.

My children provide a running commentary as we travel down the road, on everything from how many nose pickers have driven by to which great-aunt has the bushiest mustache to reports on who is sneaking snacks from the lunch I packed.  I enjoy both the giggle-worthy and the cringe-inducing comments.

But, there are some things I don’t want to hear. Here’s my Top 5, all of which I’ve heard while travelling. A couple of them, I’ve heard many times.

Top 5 Things You DON’T Want To Hear On A Road Trip

#5.  “Did you know your credit card will fit down the window slot?”  – I do now. I also know that insurance doesn’t cover the cost of having the door panel removed to retrieve said credit card. And, it’s hard to convince the mechanic to remove the door panel to retrieve the credit card, when you can’t pay him to remove it until he removes it to retrieve the aforementioned credit card.

#4.  “Look how far my shoe bounced!” – This is heard immediately after I have hollered toward the back of the van, “Who just opened the window?”  My first thought was “Wow! I’m so glad you remembered to bring shoes for this trip!” But, my joy was short-lived, as I saw the sneaker bouncing in my rearview mirror.

#3.  “Do you think they sell inhalers at the hotel?  This is really code for “I forgot to bring the inhaler I have to keep with me at all times, and I lost the one you keep as an emergency back-up for me in your purse, but forgot to tell you.” No, they don’t sell them.  But, our pharmacy will messenger one to our hotel for a tiny convenience fee equal to about 10 times the cost of the inhaler.

#2.  I saw your phone on top of the car before we left.  This phrase is never uttered while in sight of the departure point. In fact, it’s usually not uttered until we have crossed several county lines, and need to retrieve some vital information stored in the phone, such as the name and address of the hotel we’re heading to.

#1.  “I don’t need to go to the bathroom anymore.” – This phrase rings out after many repetitions of “I have to go to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom! I can’t wait!” are uttered while our vehicle is stuck in traffic, and no facilities are in sight. It’s also the reason we have a no-beverages-for-12-hours-prior-to-departure rule.

Not my first time at this rodeo.

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